Saturday, September 29, 2007

Why do I end up sad even though I do a lot to make others happy?

This is something that I have been facing for a long long time. Somehow I manage to get myself hurt and then brood over it all alone. I have always tried to be a good human and even though I wont call myself a perfect being, but I do have feelings and emotions. And duh! :( most of the times no body cares or bothers about it.

Hmm... this is one of those lonely nights when I feel that I dont need anyone, just coz no one needs me. I know it is immature of me, but sometimes I cant help it.

The other day, miss sunshine told me that I worry a lot over small things. What why doesnt she understand that these small things mean a lot to me. Its in my attitude and its difficult to get it changed. But yeah, I did promise myself that i would try my best "Not to worry" about small things, however important they may be to me.

And here I am, writing some stupid crap, when the world i know is sleeping peacefully, and yeah, shedding tears and as usual over something trivial to others. Gosh, when will I change?

Well, Well, Well

Ta

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Hectic Weekend

The last weekend was a hectic one. Got sick of travelling to and fro and I guess my neck and my back bone is cursing me. Thank goodness we were not unfortunate enough to get a bus ride, otherwise it would have been fireworks for sure!

Hmm, apart from a hectic weekend, i have lotsa work to do this week. Gosh, i need to make a journey again tomorrow.... Oooooooh i am already feeling Dead!

ta,
seeya during the day,
if i get time, that is :)

Monday, September 10, 2007

Never love with all your heart...

I recently read someone's note which said
"Never love with all your heart, it only ends in breaking"

And I started pondering how true this line is. There are many occasions when I have loved people with all that I have, given all that I could and cared as much as I possible could have. And at occasions when that was not enough, I had nothing else to offer. And it resulted in an heartache.

I never learned my lesson and today someone broke my heart again. As usual, I had given all that I had and I was left with practically nothing. So what else could have happened? And now I have started learning this lesson and it seems serendipity is showing me a sign!

Amen!

Friday, September 07, 2007

Emotionally yours

Never get emotionally attached to any person. Because the more you get close, the more you make yourself vulnerable and easy to get hurt.

If Miss Sunshine and Bobby were just colleagues, Bobby would never mind those words that he heard yesterday, but since Miss Sunshine is more than a close friend, her words started hurting him suddenly.

Dont do that again Miss Sunshine!!!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

CRR Rating 1?

How about A CRR-1 in life?
Robin Panicker

My daughter Mishy is aged just around a year and a half but she has already started teaching me how to live life. I strive to be a perfectionist but when it comes to living life, I know I fail miserably. At work, my appraisals and accolades often matter so much that I forget to love the little things in life that guarantee joy. We often blend our personal life with our work and we tend to take love for granted. We earn as if there is no constraint, we spend as if there is no limit, we work as if there is no sleep, and we die as if there was no life in the first place.

Like someone truly said...

The choicest garb, the sweetest grace, Are oft to strangers shown;
The careless mien, the frowning face, Are given to our own.
We flatter those we scarcely know, We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow To those who love us best.

Here is an experience that taught me to work hard for getting a CRR-1 in my personal life as well.

One beautiful gloomy day, (paradox intended), I was arriving back late from work. It was just starting to rain and I was already irritated. I took out my popy-kuda (a popular brand of umbrella) to shield against the tiny chilling pearl drops. When I was a kid, I used to love the rains, but now I hate getting wet because a grown up mature man like me had better things to do than lousily enjoy the splashing drops of rain. It was a Friday but definitely not a TGIF [Thank God it's a Friday]. I was bringing back a frown from work coz I knew I had to be working over the weekend.

When I reached home, from over the fence (I am quite tall, you know) I could see two pairs of
eyes eagerly waiting for me - One little pair and one not so little pair. Every working day, little Mishy always waits for me along with her mother. Just as the earth rotates and revolves, these two emotionally bonded entities [pardon my technical jargon] have a daily wait as well as a weekly wait. Daily waits are often mechanical and less interesting while weekly waits are full of surprises and hence more interesting. Interesting - coz we three usually do a lot of things differently over the weekend - Shopping, visiting friends, traveling, cooking, gardening, reading, gaming, social networking and much more. No weekend has ever been the same and it's always exciting.

But that day, I was worried about the horrible weekend in store. Saturdays had always been bliss in my life, right from my 5 days a week convent school, and thankfully in college and finally even in my profession too. Working Saturdays though very rare, have always been a nightmare for me - the after effects of which is usually displayed as a grumpy face for the enclosing couple of days. As I opened the gate, Mishy came running towards me with a sparkling smile and grabbed my two feet and blabbered in her childish lingo- "Dada-Dada" The worry in me neither allowed me to return a smile nor pick her up. I simply chose to ignore her wide open arms. I was so busy cursing my fate, that I didn't notice the sense of love in the charming eyes of my little angel.

Mishy frowned for a while but within a minute she changed her mind and ran into the house and brought her favorite doggie toy for me. I didn't interpret that she was trying to cheer me up. Finally she had to let out a cry to be picked up. Only then did I understand that I was hurting someone who loved me. And the next moment when I took her in my arms and hugged her, her smile returned and she was as happy as before, glad to be in the safe and secure arms of her daddy. She did not have to worry about tomorrow, because she had to enjoy today. Her little heart craved for happiness. She didn't have responsibilities to look after maybe that’s why she had nothing to worry. I looked into her eyes and smiled for the first time, and she muttered "Dada" and hugged me tighter. Little kids have a way of winning your hearts with their innocence. Here, I was trying to spread my infectious frown, but ended up contracting Mishy's infectious smile.

With this little joy in my hand, I was slowly swept back to my very own lost childhood. My favorite season - monsoon. The heavy rains and thunders... Schools usually used to close early when there was a possibility of downpour. I could see myself returning home early from school - all wet from top to bottom. I remembered how my mother had neatly packed my rain-coat in my bag and how I hadn’t bothered to wear it, just because I wanted to get drenched. Drops of rain splashing across my face, the penetrating touch of those fierce beads piercing into the skin making it difficult and painful to keep the eyes open...as I raced my bicycle along with my friend on the semi tarred roads of the cozy little town that hosted a beautiful place called sweet home… The look on my mother’s face accompanied by the loud thunders in the background, when she saw the water dripping from my shoes when I took them out before entering home.. The camera lens zoomed and locked on the neatly packed rain coat when I handed it out to her... The shrill chidings that were buried under another chain of thunder and lightening... I knew I would be grounded but I was not sad. I had enjoyed my day and I was ready to face the music.
The clock fast forwarded again and I was dragged back to the present-tense from the long lost memory lanes. With nostalgia still lingering in the air, I realized how my life has changed. I realized the innocence in a little child. I realized how I had lost that innocence. Making more money has never made me happy because it was never enough. It could buy me everything, but happiness. It could never teach me how to live life. I would never have dreamt of growing up into what I am today... doing practically nothing for the welfare of mankind... while on the other hand eyeing on the comforts and pleasures for carving a luxurious life for myself... The brand of gadgets, the sparkling star restaurants, the rush of adrenaline while I press on my sedan’s gas throttle at close to 150 kilometers an hour, the recognition that I have earned, the life that I lived today... suddenly all of it turned meaningless. The satisfaction in the heart of a little street urchin when you offer him a chocolate which he has never touched before, the pride in the eyes of the wearied stranger, at the old-age home, when you wish them a nice day, the sorrowful adieus that the world waves as they mourn over a lifeless immortal recollecting the good deeds that the person had showered during his life – The satisfaction of the soul at those very moments is something that I could never have experienced if I continued to be what I am. And I decided to change myself for the better.

As they say, there are some things that money can’t buy. It’s the journey and not the destination that matters the most. One day all of us are going to die, and in the end, it's not how much we earned or what positions we held, that is going to matter. Did we surpass our expectations? Did we perform more than what we could have? Did we spend a portion of our life spreading happiness to others and sharing someone else’s miseries in return? Did we actually do anything good to this earth? Will we be happy with our final appraisal? Will we get a CRR1 in life? Introspect and justify your answer. Nothing else matters!

Operation Theatre

Hmm.. Guess what... it was a lousy Wednesday. I visited the mechanic to change the geer level kit of my jumbo elephant aka my ford ikon. And i have no idea what the silly guy did to the vehicle. It looked as if he was trying to perform a key hole surgery using a hacksaw.Pathethic (with a capital P!) is what I should call that scene. I am not sure if I will get my car back in one piece, but I did not have the courage to see him experimenting with it. He has asked me to come back at 6. And I am already biting my nails!!!

Monday, September 03, 2007

Are you a Workaholic?

Just about to read an article on workaholic.

was wondering whether I am one? Yikes, never, I could never be one. :- )

Saturday, September 01, 2007

The Miracle of Love

The Miracle of Love
- By Robin Panicker

I had always imagined myself falling in love with someone, and the concept of an arranged marriage seemed like an unpleasant proposition. Why in the world should I marry someone without knowing her in depth? And how much can one get to know from a twenty minute Pennu Kaanal / Cherukkan Kaanal (Girl-seeing / Boy-seeing). The primary discussions then would be “What is your name” and “What are your likes / dislikes?” Having seen enough face-masks in real life, I had learned not to judge a person by words, but by actions. So arranged marriages were just not the thing for me and I had made up my mind that i wouldn’t be a prey to my parent’s wishes! I had made it clear that if I were to marry, then I would definitely choose my better half myself. This argument had caused enough disruption in my lively home. Since the day my mom’s eyes fell upon the valentine card sent by an American pen-friend in her late twenties, my parents were ever apprehensive that I would elope away with an elderly blonde. So I was occasionally reminded that I was not the boss at home!


After college, when I got a job with Infy, I knew that the dormant cells in the brains of my relatives back in Kerala would soon start cooking up something for sure. But of course, the blooming IT was to be blamed equally as it was well known to create hype in the matrimonial classifieds. I have read many postings in newspapers which read “BOY, 25/180, Software Engineer, 20,000 per month, now onsite - (UK)” and “BOY, Project Leader with MNC, handsome salary. Convent educated” and then there were some for the fairer sexes too “GIRL, 22/155 very fair, father government-service, mother-teacher”, and “Fair and adorable girl. Working as Nurse in USA. Looking for H1B holder teetotaler boys.” It was surprising how three lines could determine your destiny! (I will tell you later how three lines actually changed my destiny.) But why in the world would your “Would be” be decided based on your per month income, or for that matter the occupation of the parents? Sadly, this is the way many people get married and unfortunately most of the people I knew were happily arranged! Love still continued to be a taboo and I hadn’t heard of a single love marriage in my family. In fact I had never ever heard my dad say “I Love you” to my mom, although they loved each other a lot. Being a royal descendent of this type of species, the future definitely seemed dark enough for me and I could sadly foresee myself making the biggest mistake of my life. “No!!!! Robyn! Wake up!!!” I would pinch myself out of this nightmare and become more determined to find my way out.
This was way back in 2003, when I was hardly 22. I always wished to get married at an early age, because they say that as you grow older, your attitude become so mature that you tend to be less flexible and compatible with others. Compassion, care and concern seem to fade into the dark and the inflated self-ego would always remain an obstacle. And now here I was - Independent and earning and dying to fall in love. But then you can’t actually fall in love overnight, can you? So I was kind of sure that I had a couple of years more before I get to choose my bride. And until I stumble upon Miss Perfect, I decided to be committed on the things that I had always wished to do – the hobbies that I had always adored. Who knows, maybe after tying the knot, I would never get the chance again.


With the type of person that I am, music, games and literature were included in my favorite to-do-lists, since a long time. I already owned a guitar but I wasn’t a professional player. I imagined myself strumming the “Summer of 69” in front of a mega crowd. I could see guys and gals roaring and cheering “Robyn! Robyn!” And I could see pretty girls rushing to the stage screaming for my autograph! Wow! That’s a packet full of motivation pills! I oiled my old guitar and went to the nearest music school and joined up for a course in Guitar. Unfortunately the class was dominated by at least a score of little teeny weenie students. Initially it was all fun until the inspiration was alive and kicking. Gradually it began to degrade and I was falling back on pace. On most days, my hectic work schedule would allow me to reach there some 20 minutes before the class ends. The instructor would then blast at me for the remaining twenty minutes in front of the kids and I would feel like a total failure. Dejected, ashamed and disappointed after repeated occurrence of such shabby treatment, I would pity myself and go back home and promise myself to be on time the next day. But history has got an awful habit of repeating events and the next class would just prove the same. Finally I decided to learn guitar on my own. In my agony and pain, I snapped rudely at the instructor for the first and last time and made him realize that I have had enough of his discourse and I marched out of the music school - in front of those tiny little kids. They seemed to admire my courage. I could hear claps and cheerful whispers followed by a bellowing “Silence Class! Silence!” from their master! And I knew that the kids had got a new role model. Alas! That was a stinking contribution from my side to the coming young generation! Later, I did learn to play “Summer of 69”. (Though I can manage to get the notes out in glued pieces only!)

So now with one hobby struck out of my life, I proceeded to the next one. I loved playing basket ball with the one exception that I didn’t know the rules of the game. For me, basketball meant putting the ball in the basket. Very simple, isn’t it? But here, at the grand basket ball court, I see a dozen humongous monsters chasing, what it seemed to me a distinct version of a professional basketball. I took a look at my skinny anatomy and tried to figure out my options of wining it out there. And I could clearly see a 0 % success, apart from a few broken bones. I waited for some time but these people hadn’t finished gnashing their teeth. It seemed that they had a very bad day at work and now they were leashing it out on the poor game. On an average, every minute, I found at least two guys hanging from the basket pole. I pitied the poor basket and made my move. I convinced myself that it was not the game for me!


So now what could I do? I was losing out on my best hobbies at an alarming rate and life was suddenly getting strange, void and funny. It was then that I realized that I hadn’t yet expressed my freedom to write! It was one hobby that needed no team work or physical effort. Building up unconditional love for this last hope, I made up my mind to write! So after reaching home, I borrowed a notebook and a pen from my roommate and I sat comfortably on the sofa in the traditional philosopher pose and tried to exploit my vocabulary. It took me a few days and a few notepads to actually get those choked up words to flow out smoothly.


From then, each day, I wrote something or the other. One day, when I lost a few pages from my notepad, I realized that I ought to be a good responsible software engineer and learn to take regular back ups. Blogs were not so common in those days, and I happened to chance upon the Personal Pages. Until then I had never ventured into that arena because I frankly thought they largely belonged to lazy people who never had any better work to do! I was wrong! Going through some of the pages, I realized that it was kinda fun and interesting. The creative worm in me started lashing and now I was restless. I worked and read and learned a lot on and finally hosted my web page. Whoopee- I was so excited that I started showing it off to all my friends.


Well, that was how my personal pages were created! When I scribbled out my first HTML page, I never realized what this new hobby would gift me in return. I used to work on it alone after office hours and had most of my weekends dedicated solely for this purpose. It saw me radically change from a team player to a site builder. Ultimately, after a huge effort of cuts and pastes and drags and drops, my pages took a decent and disciplined shape. I started getting feedback mails from the readers once in a while and it became a pattern for me to reply back to them. I had nearly spent one year with the company then. Something was soon about to change in my life.

One lovely winter morning, I remember, it was a Thursday when I opened my outlook I saw only one new mail. I proceeded and read this lonely mail, the subject of which read “feedback abt ur page.” Oh, so it was from a fan! That was a good way of starting a morning. When I opened the mail, it read

”It is superb.
I went through all the pages.
It's really nice.”

These three simple lines were followed by a name and signature. With a smile on my face, I maintained my design pattern and replied back immediately with a thanks. Never in the back of my mind would I have guessed what this mail would be spawning.

Before long we became good friends and I came to know more about her. I realized that we had a lot in common. There were more meetings and freaking outs in between me and her. Weekends now seemed wonderful, with long bike drives and visits to serene unseen places. Soon our acquaintance blossomed into a very close and precious friendship I had almost forgotten my resolutions and commitments. But nevertheless I had started to enjoy a better life. When you are in good company, it always reflects on your face!

Days passed. It had been months after we both got to know each other. It was almost the end of May. When I was young, May symbolized termination of school and it was a time to rejoice. Sadly, after getting a job, there were hardly any vacations! Weekends were our only mini-vacation and they used to disappear in a wink! By now, I had started adoring my friend. One such fine evening, when we were on a trip to Mysore we had visited the St Philomena’s church. There was a grand marriage going on inside and the bride was in the best of her attire. The groom however looked sad, little wonder why! I suddenly remembered my own ambitions and dreams! Standing near the exit of the huge church gates and looking directly into my friend’s eyes I blabbered “Will you marry me?” I had no idea why and how did I say that. It was like a hunch and a quite unexpected one too. All these days when we were together, I never knew whether I liked her or whether I loved her. All I knew was that I could understand her. But somehow it was a secret that I wasn’t ready to reveal to anyone. But inadvertently I blurted it out before her. She looked shocked, lost but calm. In an arduous attempt to recover an irreparable blot, in a snow-white friendship that was seemingly about to blow, I started preparing for an apology. But before I could speak a word, she took my palm in her soft hands and looking deeply into my eyes said “If you will love me forever, I will marry you.” Everything was so rapid that I lost track of what was happening. My heart was thumping and my head was spinning, and the world had stopped for a moment. I had never heard of such an indecent proposal. And I had never heard of such a decent espousal.

And then my dear friends, it was sheer magic! We had profoundly fallen in love with each other. It was the strangest and craziest feeling I had ever had. The thick distinguishing line between friendship and love had been crossed and the demarcation was clearly fading. That day, Lady Luck and Lady Love had smiled compassionately on both of us. On the journey back to Bangalore she slept in my arms.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

Phew! This is the story that I had wanted to write ever since marriage. – Well, yes, after almost ten months of courtship, we got married. So my dreams did come true! How I managed to fight the traditions and orthodox culture of my society, relatives and parents (in decreasing order) is a different story in itself. If I were to describe in detail the reaction of those aghast faces of friends and foes during my marriage ceremony, it would require many more pages, or perhaps chapters! Relatives still believe that I am the first scapegrace to be born in our family. But fortunately, my parents know it for sure that this was the best decision I could ever have made in my life!

By the way, after our marriage, my wife (or my ex-girlfriend) told me a little secret. She said that between me and her, it was she who had said the three magical words first.
When I asked her for an explanation, she asked me, “Do you remember my first mail to you?”


I told, “Yeah I do!”
She said, “It was written right there.”
My reaction was, “What??? There were just three lines, and none of it read I Love you.”
“Ha Ha.” she replied.


“Well, Line number 1: It is superb that meant I am superb”
“Line number 2: I went through all the pages that meant I Love them”
“And finally line number 3: it’s really nice that meant you are really nice”


She smiled and said, “So you never read between the lines, do you?” and blinked her eyes.
Astonished, I smile back, imagining how three words incorporated in three lines changed my life mysteriously! Well, that’s the miracle of love!


Friday, August 31, 2007

TGIF

Thank God It is a Friday!
**********************
After a long long time, I think I am gonna enjoy a Friday. Why? well, chumma, just like that. My Instant Messenger says "Robin Panicker is busy" - Busy since? Err... birth? Why busy? Err... No answer I guess! :)


Okie Dokie Gotcha sign off now. My kiddo is calling me. She calls me "Bobbie" Gee!!!

Nice weekend.

P.S. Robin Panicker Promises that he will blog regularly :-)

Temptation

I am going to start blogging once again! Ever sinced I got married, I had started ignoring my hobbies. And now, its pretty time to get it started once again. I want to be me!

So, here is today's matter, posted over here... after a year..

Today I was having lunch alone at the food court on 6th Floor. I saw a mosquito sitting on another lady's forehead. The girl didnt seem to notice it. Or she chose to ignore it. Whatever, but I was so tempted to squash the mosquito. But thanks to corporate etiquette, I managed to control myself.

I could however not concentrate much on eating and was very frustrated till the mosquito flew away seeking another paradise.